I'm going to get scuba certified next weekend and I'm terrified
I've been in love w/ a scuba instructor for three years and didn't make the dive until it was too late...
Next weekend I’m going to get my PADI Dive Certification and I’m terrified to dive deeper than I ever have before. This is letting go.
I’m writing this at a coffee shop that I’ve spent many days writing at, attempting to decipher my life and where I stand in God’s story. I work here as many days as I can, sitting at the same spot, staring out the window, writing, playing chess, talking with regulars, figuring out next steps. It’s the same spot I wrote my one man show at many years back, digging myself out of a deep depression the likes of which many close to me could never even imagine as a reality one might suffer.
Every weekend at those same tables, I play chess, learning how to lose gracefully and make quick decisions despite the catastrophic failure that might beckon if I misread the proper threat. Chess taught me how to lose and not feel like a loser, trash talk without feeling like trash, and weather a tough position despite feeling like I’m being held underwater.
A few weeks back I finally played a game worthy enough to be featured on the chess channel filmed every week here:
Down the street is the Eco Dive Center, where I’ll be getting my dive certification next weekend. As I’m writing this, I’m getting ready to fill out my medical paperwork and rent the equipment necessary for instruction. I’ll be heading over once Tanner’s closes at 5 PM, making sure everything is squared away.
For three years just about, from December of 2020 to February of this year I was dating a scuba instructor and made the excuse that I couldn’t get scuba certified because I didn’t have the money. It costs about 1300 (I might be wrong on the exact) to get the certification and equipment, not to mention the expenses to do boat dives in the future/ travel. I started saving about 8 months ago to have the funds to get the cert and also travel to the Philippines, where I’m planning to dive as well.
The honest truth is, money was not the thing holding me back. Fear was.
My ex loved risk-taking, adventure, thrill, travel, and that was what compelled me to be with her. I thought to myself, “If I could only spend time with this person and be around her, maybe her fun and care-free attitude will rub off on me.
And it did. I started to learn a little about fun.
But fear will rear its ugly head and steal fun away in the dark of the night, bringing up all your past resentments in an attempt to get you back under the covers, where no one will hear you cry.
Every time the opportunity presented itself for me to learn how to ski, participate in fun athletic activities like capoeira, or face the insurmountable and bungee jump, I cowered in fear and made an excuse, barking, “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. I'M NOT PRIVILEGED LIKE YOU ARE. I DIDN’T GROW UP WITH PARENTS WHO LET ME TAKE RISKS LIKE YOU!”
“BARK BARK BARK” - and no bite
“IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT MONEY!” was one of the final bone-headed things I said as I sharpened the knife into someone I adored.
In three years, I went skiing once, did capoeira three times, and went scuba diving in a pool at a scuba convention. I remember telling my cousin, “If I don’t learn scuba diving by next month my girlfriend is going to break up with me.”
At that same scuba convention I went to a few different panels, each about a different topic related to scuba diving and one of them taught me life lessons through the metaphor of diving that remain seared on my psyche to this day.
The panel was hosted by the LA Coroner’s Department and it was answering the question, “Why Do People Die from Scuba Diving?”
WHAT A MORBID, MORIBUND, BELLICOSE BUMMER OF A TOPIC
And yet, I learned something worth sharing with everyone:
If you’re diving with someone else and they start to become unresponsive and need to come up for air, one of several things you can do to rescue a “problem diver” is to RELEASE THE WEIGHTS.
One must take on more weight to dive beneath the surface but when things get too heavy and you feel like you're drowning let go of any extra baggage you might be holding onto, get to the surface for some air, take a deep breath, and ask God to give you the strength to go deeper once again
Sometimes we feel like drowning, that doesn’t mean that we are out of breath. Sometimes we feel we’re dying, that doesn’t mean we’re close to death.
When you feel like you’re drowning, when you feel like you’re dying, when it feels like you want to give up, maybe you’re holding onto something that’s going to sink you deeper than you’re capable of going at the given moment.
Ask God to reveal to you what you need to let go of. Let go of it, no matter how painful it might be. And maybe on the other side of it you’ll experience the fullness of God’s love and grace.
Lord knows I have. And now I’m ready to finally dive deeper than I could ever imagine.
I posted my first song on Spotify and it’s just a voice recording because I wanted to post the most imperfect, authentic version I could before I start trying to perfect what God has given me to share with the world. It’s a beacon call to those out there feeling like they’re drowning, inspired by Sara Bareilles’ “Satellite Call”
The lyrics are:
Sometimes we feel we’re drowning
That doesn’t mean that we are out of breath
Sometimes we feel we’re dying
That doesn’t mean that we are close to death
I know that you’re just trying
Sometimes our voice it only comes in gasps
I know that you’re not lying
Sometimes the truth it feels so out of grasp
We give up way too easy
We blame ourselves for everything we lack
We say that we’re the problem
We try to make up time and can’t relax
We blame it on our parents
But everyone just grows up way too fast
And now we’re always searching
For everything to fix us but the past
I know that I am not there
But if I was I’d say to you
Break me down, break me through
To the other side of you
Give us strength, give us truth
We wanna feel like we’re brand new
Break me down, break me through
To the other side of you
The man who speaks the loudest
Is the man who feels like he has most to hide
Cause if we really heard him
He wouldn’t have to speak with such loud pride
So if you have to hear this
Just know that I’m the one you see inside
When everyone’s a realist
I’m the dreamer you saw in the night
I know that I am not there
But if I was I’d say to you
Break me down, break me through
To the other side of you
Give us strength, give us truth
We wanna feel like we’re brand new
Break me down, break us through
To the other side of you
When everything feels broken and we see no place to rest
When everything unspoken starts to fester in our heads
We close our eyes in silence and we try to find a way
But overwhelm takes victory and we turn from the day
We give up on our attitude and let the darkness win
We give all of our enemies a weapon to defend
I’m begging for you pleadingly to take your arms and fight
Darkness can’t find shadow when there is no source of light
I know that I am not there
But if I was I’d say to you
Break me down, break on through
To the other side of you
Give us strength, give us truth
We wanna feel like I’m brand new
Break us down, break us through
To the other side of you